we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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