I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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