He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
