i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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