I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
