dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
