Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
