I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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