I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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