so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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