i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
