Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
