I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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