i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
