in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
