Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My life is pants optional.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
PANTIES FOUND
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