Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
