Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
