why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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