I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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