I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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