i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
