he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize