I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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