I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
