I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
