he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
