my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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