Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize