Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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