theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
