The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
