Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
