I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
foreskin is a definite game changer
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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