Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
