I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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