So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
