OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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