Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
