i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
