It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
