We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i will never coherently bang her
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
