I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
