By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
