Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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