I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
