shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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