I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
