Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize