i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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