I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
