You smell like stripper and shame
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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