Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
