Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
