He passed out mid-signature
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
