Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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