textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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