Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
