its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
