the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
