Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
