So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize