I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
