My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
