wanna go halves on a baby?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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