apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
