dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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