The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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