I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
